Archive for ◊ 2008 ◊

A Personalized Service
Author: Marla J. Noel
• Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

Frequently, we see funeral services that are well planned and a good representation of an individual’s life. We try to help families create a personalized service for each individual Fairhaven is privileged to serve. The other day I saw a service that could not have been more personalized. It was such a beautiful service, that I wanted to tell you about it.

The funeral was for a young lady; I think anyone who dies before the age of 100 is dying too young. This woman was in her late 50’s and died of cancer. She had the chance, before she died, to record her eulogy. I never had the chance to meet this woman, however, by the time she finished her eulogy, I felt as though I knew her, and I thought I understood how much she loved her children and appreciated her friends. She talked about her life, as childhood pictures transitioned on the screen. As she spoke, there were tears and giggles about the funny things in her life. She talked about her travels and some of the experiences she had enjoyed. She talked about some of the challenges as well.

After her eulogy, we all dried our eyes as her daughter and sister spoke and said a prayer. I will always remember that funeral service and I am certain that her family will also remember that funeral service. In fact, they will be able to watch her eulogy anytime they want. What a great gift to give and what a great way to help her family through the grieving process.

Too many times, I hear people talk about how unimportant their funeral will be. This woman understood the meaning of this service for her children and family, and she gave them the chance to accept her grief as well as theirs. I thank her for being such a thoughtful and loving mother and sister.

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Funeral Etiquette in a Changing World
Author: marlanoel
• Friday, October 10th, 2008

Posted by Marla J. Noel from a recent NFDA article

Funerals are a difficult time, regardless of your relationship with the person who has died. Funerals aren’t what they were a decade ago, however. Increasingly personal and unique, with an increase in non-traditional funeral services, it is oftentimes challenging to determine what is or isn’t appropriate, from how to express grief to funeral etiquette in changing times. There is no right or wrong answer, but the guiding principle should be your concern for the wishes of the family.

Obituaries can often provide useful information about what can be expected at a service, whether flowers are welcome, or donations to a favorite charity. As funerals become more of the personal celebration of a life, so too, do the practices we’ve come to associate so closely with a funeral service. One of the biggest questions asked today is what is appropriate to wear to a funeral. Tradition used to hold that black was the only appropriate color, but that is no longer the case. Funeral attire is still generally a more formal affair, but bright colors are not necessarily out of place at a service. While more conservative dress is still favored most often, funerals that may reflect a favorite hobby or certain lifestyle may find mourners arriving at a funeral home in biker gear, to give but one example. Again, the presiding rule is to respect the wishes of the family and the deceased, and to pay tribute to them in a way that’s fitting.

Funerals are a time for mourning, but they are also a time of celebration, of remembering a life and sharing those connections. It’s natural to grieve, but it’s also natural to smile through those tears and laugh as you exchange stories with family and friends. Beyond extending condolences, don’t be afraid to offer comfort to a grieving family member by relaying a treasured memory or two about their loved one. Sending a card with a note expressing similar sentiments is also a welcome reminder to families that they are not alone in their loss.

While funerals continue to evolve, the core meaning behind them hasn’t changed. They are an opportunity to remember, to show care for both the departed and the survivors, and to come together as a community to pay tribute to a life. Being aware and respectful of the family’s wishes should provide you with all the guidance you need. Just knowing that you’re there and that you care is often more than enough. Should you have questions, however, your local funeral home can be a good source of advice and information about proper funeral etiquette and what’s expected as a participant in a service.

Members of the National Funeral Directors Association nationwide are participating in a national education For a Life Worth Celebrating™, in an effort to help inform consumers about the many available options when it comes to planning a meaningful funeral service. For more information, contact your local NFDA member funeral home or visit NFDA’s Website.

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Category: Funeral Information, cremations  | Tags: , , , ,  | 3 Comments
Find Help from a Support Group
Author: Marla J. Noel
• Thursday, September 18th, 2008

by Marla J. Noel

We have a support group at Fairhaven, and I hear of many different experiences about how each individual has dealt with the loss of a loved one. We are lucky to have the guidance of Gary Tucker, who is a Bereavement Coordinator with Odyssey Healthcare in Orange County. With Gary’s help, we have all gotten to know each other a little better. We have also learned that the right way to grieve is “our way”.

For most of the members of the support group, life changed, sometimes suddenly or sometimes as the result of a long illness. This change in life is probably one of the most difficult changes we will ever experience. The loss of a spouse, parent, child or best friend can be devastating.

So, what do you do when this change happens? I think many times we may want to stay in the house, not ever go out, stay away from friends and ignore the rest of our family. This may be okay for a period of time, however, it does not sound like a healthy way to live our lives for the long run. You might want to think about what your loved one would want for you.

Going to a support group is a big step in grieving. With the right support group, you may meet some people who will understand you when you start to cry at lunch. They may cry with you, and my opinion is, that is okay. Get ideas about how you can create reasons to get out of the house. Several members received help from their church, one member took a cruise, another member had a family member make a large blanket with a picture of her and her husband imprinted on the blanket. One of our members brought in a magazine on Elder Hostiles that she had heard about. Another member decided that each week, she was going to do one thing different, so that she could improve how she was living, even if it meant just driving home a different way from her normal route. She knew she had to get “out of the rut”.

The point is, other people have ideas that may be helpful to you. You may have to try several groups. Some of our members attend other groups. Can you ever have too much help?

I have gotten to know many of the people from our support group, and I truly enjoy them. It is a great experience to watch them help each other.

Losing a loved one is difficult and I see many people who try to go through the grief process on their own. This does not make sense to me. When you are sick, you see a doctor. You would not try to fix a broken arm on your own. Why should you “go it alone” on one of the most difficult journeys in life? Your local church, funeral home, hospice group, hospital or neighbor may have a grief support group to recommend. Take a step in the right direction and ask for help. Join a support group.

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Category: Funeral Information, cemetery, cremations, grief support  | Leave a Comment
The Gift of Life through Organ and Tissue Donation
Author: Marla J. Noel
• Wednesday, September 03rd, 2008

Posted by Marla J. Noel

This is another article from NFDA, (the National Funeral Directors Association). I understand that this option may not be for everyone, however, so much good comes from these donations, from saving lives to helping research.

There is no better way to make a difference in someone’s life than to consider giving the gift of life through organ and tissue donation. Organs and tissue from a single donor can help more than 25 individuals. Yet, there are 80,000 people on the national waiting list for life-saving organ transplants.

While it is important to indicate your donor status on your driver’s license, it is extremely important to share your decision with family. Because most deaths occur outside of a hospital, it is best to discuss your donation wishes in advance, though hospitals are required to offer the option of donation to every family. Other organ and tissue donation facts you need to know:

• One in 20 people will need some type of tissue transplant in his or her lifetime.

• Transplantable organs include heart, kidneys, intestines, pancreas and liver.

• Transplantable tissue includes bone, skin, heart valves, connective tissue, veins and eyes.

• In many states, family consent is required at the time of donation.

A family’s organ and tissue donation decision should not interfere with funeral arrangements, including visitations and open casket services. Oftentimes, a grieving family can find comfort in knowing that dozens of people may be helped by a generous organ or tissue donation. Funeral directors respect and support a family’s decision to choose donation. They can help by providing donation information to families, as well as noting donation wishes of those who preplan their funerals.

There are several questions that families should ask the donor organization regarding the donation process.
They include:

• When and where will the donation take place?

• How long will it take?

• Have you informed the funeral director of this information?

Donation is a choice only you can make. Now is a good time to talk with your family about your donation decision, and also to make sure your wishes are indicated on your driver’s license, donor card or living will.

More information on organ and tissue donation is available through The Gift of Hope Organ & Tissue Donor Network at giftofhope.org; the National Donor Family Council at donorfamily.org; or your local National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) member funeral home.

NFDA funeral homes around the country are participating in a national consumer education campaign, For A Life Worth Celebrating1, in an effort to help consumers make wise and informed decisions related to funeral service. Visit www.nfda.org for more information.

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Category: Funeral Information, Organ donation, cremations  | Tags: , , ,  | Leave a Comment
Do You Know Someone?
Author: Marla J. Noel
• Thursday, August 14th, 2008

By Marla J. Noel

Do you know someone who has lost a loved one? Sometimes it is difficult to know what to say when you see that person. You want to offer comfort, but what do you do? It is usually best to say;

“I am very sorry for the loss of your loved one.”

Then wait for a response. If you think it appropriate, there is nothing better than a hug. If you are a good friend, you may want to help in the grieving process. How do you do this? Most mortuaries have literature for the families and friends to better understand the grieving process. Take some time to read and understand what your friend may be going through. Then, take some time to listen to your friend and let them explain what they are feeling. Do not give advice, just listen.

Listening to someone talk about their loved one can be very therapeutic for the person who is grieving. If this is difficult, ask questions, such as; what was their hobby, favorite vacation spot, holiday or food. Get your friend to talk about their memories, both good and bad. Do not be afraid to giggle with them, but let them start the giggling first.

Help them to plan ceremonies around the birthday, anniversaries or the date of death. There are no rules about when to have a memorial service. It can be a week or a month from the death, or a year from the date of death. Be sure to be there for your friend around the holidays. Don’t force them to go to parties, but spend some time with them and always be willing to listen.

There is no timeline for grief. For every individual, the healing process is different. Most of us never heal completely, we may eventually feel less pain, or accept the pain, or use the pain to help us grow in some way. There is no set time for healing, like one year or two years. Every person is different.

Family members may not be helpful when going through the grieving process. Sometimes, when members of the family are all going through the grieving process together, they are too lost in their pain to help other family members.

A good friend will assist in finding a grief support group to attend. This can be very helpful, and you will find that churches, hospitals, hospice and some funeral homes provide grief support groups. You may want to go with your friend to give them the confidence to attend the first few times. They may find comfort from others who have gone through what they are going through.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one, take some time to help them with the grieving process. They will remember you as a true friend.

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