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There has been a death, now what do I do?
By Marla J. Noel

There is a lot to do after someone dies. This is not the entire list of things to do, however, it is a simple guideline to start the process. If you have to read and use this list, I am sorry for your loss. I hope that this will be some help to you.

• Review any paperwork that may be on file at the decedent’s home for funeral plans and insurance information. Obtain the decedent’s social security number and any military paperwork. You will need discharge paperwork to receive a flag and other military benefits.

• Determine if there was a will and contact the attorney for any additional paperwork.

• Make sure you understand all of the death benefits and funeral coverage. If there is a cemetery plot already purchased, check to see if that location also has a funeral home. Making arrangements with one company generally helps to make the planning process easier for the family.

• Contact your mortuary and your clergy who will assist you in arranging funeral or memorial services.

• Determine the time and place of funeral or memorial service. This can be done at the mortuary, at your church or your mortuary may be able to suggest other locations.

• Select the clothes you will want your loved one to wear. Don’t forget the details like underwear, makeup or nail polish.

• Go through old pictures or writings of the deceased. This can be therapeutic, and you may want to do so with a small group of close family members.

• Make a list of people to contact, for example close friends, relatives, church relationships and business associates.

• Consider putting an obituary in the paper. Your funeral home can help you with this.

• Decide the type of service that may be right for your loved one. If they had not preplanned, then try to design the service around the type of person they were. Consider the friends and family and try to determine their needs. Frequently a funeral service may help begin the grieving process. Many times a quiet person will select a small intimate service, which a more boisterous person would like an elaborate service with music, doves, horse-drawn carriages, a bag-piper and in some instances, clowns. I have seen a lot of things at funerals, including a knight in shining armor.

• A funeral home can assist with all of the options relating to the type of service you or your loved one wanted. A traditional service does not have to be that traditional. A cremation may include a visitation or a memorial service. There are many options, and your funeral home counselor can assist with helping you understand what those options are.

• Prepare a Eulogy. Funeral service or no, this is a good thing to have for the future, even if you do not have a service. I always encourage services, if possible, even if it is a small service at the house. There are on-line sources to help prepare a Eulogy.

• Determine how many death certificates you will need. You will need death certificates to close out bank accounts, retirement plans and insurance policies. Some may accept copies, so ask first, if a copy will do.

• Plan out meals for the family for the next week. Consider a special gathering after the funeral service. This may be a good time to show a video montage, if you did not have one at the funeral service. This may also be a good time for friends and relatives to share their memories. The more relaxed atmosphere of the reception might make sharing easier for some.

• Find one or more hotels in the area for guests from out of town. The funeral home can provide a letter to the airlines to obtain a lower rate for traveling under urgent circumstances.

There are a lot of details to take care of when there has been a death. Sometimes, it is a good idea to reach out to friends, family or your church for help with this process. Your funeral home can arrange most of the details of the service, and most funeral professionals are good caring people who can help you through a d

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Coping with the Holidays after the Loss of a Loved One

The weeks between Thanksgiving and the New Year can be both joyful and stressful. While we often find warmth and comfort in our family traditions, for someone who has recently experienced the death of a loved one, family traditions can make their grief all the more poignant, and tackling the season’s “to dos” can seem an impossible chore. But there are things that can be done to help those that grieve cope with the holidays.
The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) offers the following suggestions for those grieving this holiday season:
Take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. The pace of the holiday season can wear anyone out, but carrying the weight of loss on your shoulders can amplify your stress. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating properly, and taking time for yourself.
Unburden yourself when and where it’s possible. If participating in traditions brings you comfort, by all means do so, but don’t be afraid to curb how much you take on this season. For example, perhaps you can be a guest at the family holiday party rather than hosting it this year.

Create a holiday plan. Decide which family traditions you want to take part in this year and plan out your participa¬tion. A plan can help you avoid getting caught off guard by unexpected activi¬ties or tasks.
Share your memories with others. The holidays surround us with fond memories. Don’t be reluctant to talk about those memories, and the special person who died by name. Sharing memories of your loved one with others can help ebb the loneliness you may be feeling.
Above all else, do what’s right for you. Your family and friends care about you and will most likely offer advice on what you should do. However, you are the only one that can fully understand what you need to make it through the holidays. Take time to outline your needs, then share your plans with your family and friends. Keeping your expectations realistic and letting yourself rely on family and friends will help you through your holiday grief.
For additional information visit www.nfda.org or contact a local NFDA funeral director about holiday aftercare programs. NFDA funeral homes around the country are participating in a national consumer education campaign, For A Life Worth Celebrating™, in an effort to help consumers make wise and informed decisions related to funeral service.
NFDA is the leading funeral service association, serving more than 20,300 funeral directors who represent more than 12,200 funeral homes in the United States and other countries.

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If you have experienced the death of a loved one, please seek help from one or several of these sources. Many of the people that attend Fairhaven’s grief support group, also attend others. You can also contract Mariposacenter.org for more information about support groups in Orange County.

Mariposa Women and Family Center
812 W. Town and Country Rd.
Orange, CA 92868
Contact: Mike Meador
(Bereavement Director)
(714)547-6494 ext. 329
Email: mmeador@mariposacenter.org
Website: www.mariposacenter.org

Aliso Viejo
VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
Coast Hills Community Church
5 Pursuit
Aliso Viejo, CA 92656
Contact: Sandie Moore
(949)362-0079 (Church)
(949)496-1597 (Home)
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Grief Recovery
An action program for moving beyond loss
Class format, handbook, group discussions
8-week sessions

Anaheim
Parents of Murdered Children, Inc.
Zion Lutheran Church
222 N. East Street
Anaheim, CA 92805
(714)999-7132
Website: www.gocpomc.org
- Adult Survivors of Homicide Victims Group
For family & friends of those who have
died by violence

VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
Knott Avenue Christian Church
315 S. Knott Ave.
Anaheim, CA 92804
(714)527-5195
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Grief Share

Anaheim Hills
VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
San Antonio Catholic Church
5800 E. Santa Ana Canyon Rd.
Anaheim Hills, CA 92807
Contact: Barbara Jou-Jan Roche
(714)281-1721
Website: www.sanantonioparish.org
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Adult Bereavement Group

Brea
Kids Konnected
Brea Community Center
695 Madison Ave., Meeting Room H
Brea, CA 92821
Contact: Justine Palacios
Valene Corcoran (Director of Development)
(949)582-5443
(800)899-2866
Email: info@kidskonnected.org
Website: www.kidskonnected.org
- Children’s Support Group

Costa Mesa
Costa Mesa Senior Center
695 W. 19th St.
Costa Mesa, CA 92627
(949)645-2356
- “Transitions Program”
Group addresses issues of loss of a loved one,
health problems, loneliness, isolation, depression
and decrease in independence.
Senior Support Group
“We don’t grieve, we achieve!”

Kids Konnected
OC Susan G. Komen for the Cure Office
3191-A Airport Loop Drive
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Contact: Justine Palacios
Valene Corcoran (Director of Development)
(949)582-5443
(800)899-2866
Email: info@kidskonnected.org
Website: www.kidskonnected.org
- Children’s Support Group

VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
Jewish Family Services Office
250 E. Baker, Suite C
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
(714)445-4950
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Bereavement Support Group

Fairhaven
Fairhaven Support Group
Fairhaven Memorial Park & Mortuary
Waverley Gallery
1702 Fairhaven Ave.
Santa Ana, CA 92705
Contact: Carol Sexton or Ruth Velez
(714)633-1442
- Loss of a Loved One
Second Thursday of the month at 2:00
Open to the community

Fullerton
Compassionate Friends
Grace Bible Chapel
1119 S. Lambert Dr.
Fullerton, CA 92833
Contact: Roy Redman
(714)993-6708
Website: www.thecompassionatefriendsoc.com
- Loss of a Child
For parents, grandparents, siblings (over 14 yrs. old)

Open to the community
Please call prior to attending 1st meeting
No fee

First Evangelical Church
2801 N. Brea Blvd., Bldg. B-207
Fullerton, CA 92835
Contact: Bob Lawther
(714)990-2287 (Home)
(714)529-5544 (Church)
- Bereavement Support Group
For men & women of all ages
Group has a religious component

Fullerton Senior Center
(Co-sponsored by:
VITAS Innovative Hospice Care)
340 W. Commonwealth Ave.
Fullerton, CA 92832
Contact to pre-register: Vicki
(714)738-6305
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Bereavement Support Group
Bereavement Support Group

St. Jude Community Services
Conference Room
130 W. Bastanchury
Fullerton, CA 92835
(800)870-7537 – option 2
Contact: Karyl Dupee
(714)446-7035
- “Healing Hearts After Loss”

No fee – $2 donation accepted
Registration required

Garden Grove
Crystal Cathedral
12141 Lewis St.
Garden Grove, CA 92840
*Go in Chapman Ave. gate
Take an immediate right
Contact: Linda Moore
(714)750-9237
-
 New Hope Hotline:
(714)639-4673
 Teen Line:
(714)639-8336
Open to the community
No fee
Odysey Hospice
7077 Orangewood St., Suite 201
Garden Grove, CA 92841
(714)934-4520
(800)797-2686
Contact: Gary Tucker (Bereavement Coordinator)
Email: gtucker@odsyhealth.com
- Death of a Loved One (adults)

Huntington Beach
Heartland Hospice
St. Peters by the Sea Presbyterian Church
16931 Bolsa Chica
Huntington Beach, CA 92649
Contact: Chris Strutt
(714)558-2366
Email: cameron_cs1@yahoo.com
- Adult Bereavement Group
Faith-based group

St. Bonaventure Church
16400 Springdale St.
Huntington Beach, CA 92649
Contact: Sister Annunciata
(714)846-3359
- General Bereavement Support Group
Located in: Teacher’s Lounge

St. Simon & St. Jude Catholic Parish
20444 Magnolia St.
Huntington Beach, CA 92646
Contact: Maureen O’Day
(714)962-3333 ext. 236
- Support Group for Widows & Widowers
8-week session
Located in: Multi-Purpose Room
Pre-registration is required
Call for schedule

Irvine
Compassionate Friends
Rancho Senior Center
3 Sandberg Way
Irvine, CA
(949)552-2800
- Loss of a Child
1st Wednesday 7:00-9:00pm

Jewish Family Services of Orange County
1 Federation Way, Suite 220
Irvine, CA 92603
(949)435-3460
(714)445-4950
- General Bereavement Support Group
Every Monday 2:00-3:30pm
Pre-registration is required

Lakeview Senior Center
20 Lake Road
Irvine, CA 92604
Contact: Judy Denton
(949)724-6924
- “Living with the Loss of a Spouse”

Mariner’s Church
5001 Newport Coast Drive
Irvine, CA 92603
Contact: Carol Collins (for dates & times)
(949)723-7890
Website: www.marinerschurch.org

VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
220 Commerce, Suite 100 (VITAS office)
Irvine, CA 92602
Contact: Linda McMahon (for dates of next series)
(714)734-2753
- “Grief 101”
For those whose loved ones have died within the past 12 weeks
- “Missing Our Mothers”
For adult women who recently experienced the death of their mother
Saturday morning workshop, 8:30-12:00pm
Follow-up session 4 weeks later – Saturday morning 9:00-11:00am

Laguna Beach
Laguna Presbyterian Church
415 Forest Ave.
Laguna Beach, CA 92651
Contact: Jackie Pearson, LMFT
(949)494-7555
- Growing Through Grief
Location: Parlor

South Coast Medical Center
31872 Pacific Coast Highway
Laguna Beach, CA 92651
(949)499-7133
- General Bereavement Support Group

Laguna Hills
Saddleback Memorial Hospital
24551 Health Center Dr.
Laguna Hills, CA 92653
Contact: Joan Way
(949)598-3941
- General Bereavement Support Group

Chandra Chaikin, MS, LMFT
- Living For Today: Grief and Loss Group For Seniors
Tired of feeling alone? Do you feel like life has lost its
spark? Come share your wisdom and experience
with others.
24953 Paseo De Valencia
Suite 24-B
Laguna Hills, CA 92653
(714) 404-2802
E-mail: info@ChandraChaikin.com

Laguna Niguel
Art & Creativity for Healing
26079 Getty Drive
Laguna Niguel, CA 92677
(949)367-1902
Website: www.art4healing.org
- Bereavement 4-week Workshop Series
For those dealing with the loss of a
loved one
• Children Workshop series – 2009
Adult Fee: $135 (includes art materials)

St. Timothy Catholic Church
29102 Crown Valley Parkway
Laguna Niguel, CA 92677
Contact: Sally Hotchkiss (for dates & times)
(949)249-4096
- Grief & Loss
8-week Group

Laguna Woods
Temple Judea
24512 Moulton Parkway
Laguna Woods, CA 92637
Contact: Cally Clein
(949)830-0470
- General Bereavement Group

Lake Forest
Saddleback Church
1 Saddleback Parkway
Lake Forest, CA 92630
Contact: Elaine Quickle
(949)609-8392
(Call for start of next 13-week session)
- Grief Support Workshop
13-week session
Group has a religious component

Santiago de Compostela Catholic Church
21682 Lake Forest Dr.
Lake Forest, CA 92630
Contact: Mary
(949)380-7520
- “Good Grief Group”
Support for men & women who are grieving over
the death of a spouse, child, parent, relative, or friend
Location: Parish Hall
Open-ended
Non-denominational

Los Alamitos
Cancer Support Foundation
Los Alamitos Community Center
10911 Oak St.
Los Alamitos, CA 90720
Contact: Connie Fike
(562)799-3131
Email: cancerfoundation@aol.com
- Bereavement Support Group
8-week series

Los Alamitos Community Center
10911 Oak St.
Los Alamitos, CA 90720
(562)594-9977
- Spouse Bereavement Group
Three 8-week sessions a year
Sponsored by the Cancer Support
Foundation of Los Alamitos

Mission Viejo
Gary’s Place for Kids
Mission Hospital Conference Center
26726 Crown Valley Parkway
Mission Viejo, CA 92694
(949)348-0548
Website: www.gpfkoc.org
Grief support for children ages 3-18 who have experienced
the death of a loved one & for their parents/other significant
adults in their lives.
- Children’s Grief Support Group
For “Littles” (ages 3-8 years) &
“Middles” (ages 9-12 years)
Teen Grief Support Group
Ages 13-18 years
Adult Group
All groups meet during the months of September through June
Open to the community
No fee

Kids Konnected
Mission Hospital Conference Center
26726 Crown Valley Pkwy
Mission Viejo, CA 92694
Contact: Justine Palacios
Valene Corcoran (Director of Development)
(949)582-5443
(800)899-2866
Email: info@kidskonnected.org
Website: www.kidskonnected.org
- Children’s Support Group
2nd Monday 6:30-8:00pm

Mission Hospital Regional Medical Center
27700 Medical Center Rd.
Mission Viejo, CA 92691
(949)364-1400
Contact: Sandy Fant
Email: sandy.fant@stjoe.org
- “Living Life Again”
Adult Bereavement Group
10-week session
3 times per year
Registration is required

Presbyterian Church of the Master
25051 Marguerite Parkway
Mission Viejo, CA 92692
Contact: Karen Carson
(949)768-7652
(Call for dates & times of next group)
- Grief Recovery

Newport Beach
Hoag Hospital
1 Hoag Dr.
Newport Beach, CA 92663
Contact: Maxine
(949)764-8358
- Email: PerinatalLoss@hoaghospital.org
-
St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church
600 St. Andrews Road
Newport Beach, CA 92663
Contact: Betty Adkinson
(949)673-5725
(Call for future dates & times)
- Growing in Christ Through Grief
6-week session
up has a religious component
Optional $15 materials fee

Orange
Guide for Infant Survival (GIS)
For anyone who has lost a child to
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)
Contact: Barbara Estep
(949)474-8417
(Call for times & locations – parents take turns
hosting the group meetings)
Website: www.gisoc.org

Kids Konnected
Cordelia Knott Center for Wellness
230 South Main Street, Suite 100
Orange, CA 92868
Contact: Justine Palacios
Valene Corcoran (Director of Development)
(949)582-5443
(800)899-2866
Email: info@kidskonnected.org
Website: www.kidskonnected.org
- Children’s Support Group

Mariposa Women and Family Center
812 W. Town and Country Rd.
Orange, CA 92868
Contact: Mike Meador
(Bereavement Director)
(714)547-6494 ext. 329
Email: mmeador@mariposacenter.org
Website: www.mariposacenter.org

Orange Senior Center
170 S. Olive Street
Orange, CA 92866
(714)538-9633
- Moving On
For older people who have lost a spouse

St. Joseph’s Hospice
1100 West Stewart Drive
Orange, CA 92868
Contact: Janyce Lawson
(714)712-7129
Email: janyce.lawson@stjoe.org
- Adult Bereavement Group
Ages 18 and older
- Adult Bereavement Group
Ages 18 and older

Placentia
Family Support Network
181 W. Orangethorpe Ave. Suite D
Placentia, CA 92870
(714)854-7762
- Parent-to-Parent Mentors
Parents grieving the loss of a child
Usually over the phone – can be in person

Hospice Care of California
377 E. Chapman Ave.
Placentia, CA 92870
Suite 280
Contact: Rose Allen
(bereavement coordinator)
(714)577-9656
(800)889-3227
Email: Ruth Dooley
rdooley@hospicecareofca.org
Website: www.hospicecareofca.org
- Adult Bereavement Group
The Wellness Community
109 West Torrance Blvd.
Placentia, CA
(310)376-3550
Email: info@wellnessandcancer.org
- Family Transition Group
For those who’s loved one has just died
from cancer

San Clemente
San Clemente Presbyterian Church
119 N. Avenida de la Estrella
San Clemente, CA 92672
Contact: Konni Martin
(949)361-1228
- Grief Support Group
Location: Fireside Room

Santa Ana
New Hope Grief Support
Calvary Chapel
1530 W. 17th St.
Santa Ana, CA 92706
Contact: Nikki Conkings
(562)421-9374
Email: info@newhopegrief.org
Website: www.newhopegrief.org
- Adult Grief Group
8-week series
Call for start date of series

Tustin
Cranbrook Senior Living
1262 Bryan Avenue
Tustin, CA 92780
Contact: Sonia Rodriguez, MSW
(714)870-3530
- Grief Support Group

Heartland Hospice
Trinity United Presbyterian Church
13922 Prospect Ave.
Tustin, CA 92705
Contact: Chris Strutt
(714)558-2366
Email: cameron_cs1@yahoo.com
- Adult Bereavement Group
Faith-based group

Tustin Senior Center
200 South “C” Street
Tustin, CA 92780
Contact: Vanessa Osborne
(714)573-3347
- Journey of Grief Support Group
Co-sponsored by St. Joseph Hospital
- Individual Grief Counseling
One-on-one counseling session
Must make an appointment

Yorba Linda
St. Martin De Porres Church
19791 Yorba Linda Blvd.
Yorba Linda, CA 92886
Contact: Mary Sennott
(714)777-2266
(Call for times)
- Grief Support Group

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by Marla J. Noel

“I didn’t want to go to a grief support group,” a young lady who lost her husband in a car accident admits to the group.
“You know, I didn’t want to go either,” this time from a dignified woman in her sixties, who had lost her husband several years ago.
The rest of the group is quiet, yet they are all nodding their heads, as if in agreement. All of the group seems glad to be part of the group. They all share, and they all get an affirmation of their feelings.

I am confused by the fear or avoidance of a grief support group, however. I hear these types of comments so frequently. Why would you not ask for help? Most groups are either free or some nominal dollar amount. So what is the reason? I started to think about all of the reasons I have heard from people to avoid this type of help;
I didn’t want other people to see me cry.
I did not want to be reminded of my feelings, because it hurt too much.
I thought I should be able to figure this out on my own.
My family will help me to get through this.
I will get over this eventually
There are probably many other reasons for not going to a grief support group. However, I look at these reasons and my heart goes out to all of the people not getting help for their grief. There is no cure, no magic solution or any words that will make the pain stop. However, there are people out there who will listen to your story, share their story, and help you through a difficult time with their support and caring. So, I will give my arguments to all of those reasons I listed for why you would not go to a grief support group.

1) It is okay for people to see you cry. They will probably be crying also. Sometimes, there is nothing better than to have a good cry with someone else who understands.
2) Suppressing your feelings can be very harmful to your health, and can keep you from going through the grief process, which is a natural process for all of us. Acknowledging your feelings, and expressing them can be helpful.
3) I thought I should be able to figure this out on my own. If we broke our leg, we would go to a doctor. Why shouldn’t we seek help when our heart is broken?
4) My family will help me to get through this. Sometimes your family is trying to get through their own grief, and can’t help you. It is not their fault. Grief is a difficult emotion, and can affect us in many different ways.
5) I will get over this eventually. Sometimes we never do, for many reasons. While I have been at Fairhaven, I have received many unusual calls. I will never forget a call from a young lady who’s mother died seven years before this phone call. She wanted to be sure that there was a marker on her mother’s grave. She had been unable to visit the cemetery for all of those years. I wanted to help her with her grief, however, she did not seem to be reaching out to help herself.

So many people minimize the impact that grief can have on our lives. It is a very powerful emotion. The closer you were to the person you’ve lost, the greater the impact. There are usually so many wonderful people who can help you. Reach out, and grab a hand. Go to a grief support group. There are so many to pick from. If one is wrong for you, try another. You may meet some nice people, as well. Ask for help. You will be glad you did.

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by Marla J. Noel

I received this from a friend, who recently had a difficult experience with a friend who had not planned for her death, although she had been ill. Please think about this list, even if you are healthy and young, and spend some time putting together your Green Box. You can update this box every few years. This is written for the business owner in mind. You can adjust to your own circumstances:

The Green Box with 25 envelopes. Here are the labels on the envelopes:

Letter to spouse
Letter to each child
Letter to the employees
Letter to my mother/father
List of most important 5 employeesco-workers
Off balance sheet deals
Organizational Chart and future organizational chart
List of personal and business people that should be contacted in the event of passing
Strategy that I am thinking about but haven’t told anybody about
List of Trusted Advisors and their roles (may or may not be currently working with company) such as attorney, accountant, etc.
Instructions not addressed in Will
Copies of POA documents
Copy of Passport, Birth Certificate
Copy of all credit cards
Copy of physical property titles
Personal stock portfolio information
Details of Life insurance—personal and company owned
Details of all other insurance
Copies of personal property valuations (Jewelry, guns, collectables, etc.)
Computer passwords (Very Important)
Personal financial Statement
Extra passport photos- Picture you would like used for funeral or marker
Medical/Dental Charts
Funeral/Burial Instructions
Mementos and to whom you’d like them given

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by Marla J. Noel

I appreciate what Ian Crockett wrote in his posting for this blog. In old postings, I have shared with you my funeral wishes. What I haven’t shared is something that was very painful for me; an experience which helped me realize the importance of funerals.
When I came to California in my early twenties, I moved in with my Grandmother in Leisure World. This was clearly against Leisure World rules. My Grandmother was very nervous that she would be evicted for having some under-aged person living with her. However, I could tell that my Grandmother enjoyed my company. I had grown up so far away from her; this was a great way to get to know her. We talked about her childhood in Montana, what her parents were like, and what her life had been like as a mother of two. We got to know each other fairly quickly and I learned that Grandma and I shared a sweet tooth. I made sure that we were always stocked with root beer and ice cream for root beer floats, my Grandmother’s favorite. She appreciated our mobility and avoided giving me too hard a time about my driving. I am sure that I gave her more than one scare, when rounding a corner on two wheels. I lived with Grandmother for about six months. We had a good time getting to know each other, and I saw a great deal of my mother in my Grandmother.
As my Grandmother aged, my uncle moved her from her own condo to an assisted living home, where she lived her last few years. She was still close enough for me to visit her regularly and take her out for a root beer float or a piece of pie. When I got the call that Grandmother had died, I remember not being able to cry. I was sad, and a part of me did not believe she was dead. There was no service. My family didn’t do services. Services aren’t practical. Too much fuss, wasn’t what she wanted.
On a bright sunny day, three months later, I looked into the sky and saw a white fluffy cloud float in front of the sun. It looked as though the cloud had a lining. I thought of my Grandmother, and began to cry. I wasn’t alone. I was with some friends on a weekend doing something fun. My crying was not at all appropriate, was very unexpected, and I couldn’t help myself. I can tear up, just thinking about this time in my life. This may be one of those losses I haven’t processed very well. I guess, in retrospect, it is a loss that I haven’t processed. My Grandmother died more than 18 years ago. Now, when I talk to my parents about their service, they say the same thing, not practical, too much fuss, too much bother. I remind them that the service is not for them, but for all of us that they left behind. Then my mother starts to cry.

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by Ian Crockett
There’s a school of thought that when cremation is selected, it preempts any type of memorial service or remembrance ceremony. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve had two experiences that I consider fulfilling and if I didn’t know better, would say were choreographed by the deceased themselves.
The first experience was with my father. He was 81 when he died and if you asked him it was probably his time since he had lived a very full and interesting life in the field of journalism/advertising (Think Mad Men). He had not taken good care of himself since from the time he was 15, the first thing he would do in the morning was light up a cigarette and the last thing he would do before he went to bed was light up a cigarette. One evening while having dinner with a friend, he got up to go to the bathroom and instead went into his bedroom, lay down on the bed and died peacefully.
Two years earlier I had received a call informing me that he had fallen and broken his hip. He lived alone and couldn’t get to the phone or get his neighbor’s attention, so he spent the night on the kitchen floor. It may sound odd, but that call had more sting in it than the one I received to say he was gone forever since it brought with it a feeling that my family wasn’t invincible after all.
I didn’t grow up around relatives. All my grandparents had died by the time I was five, my mother was an only child and my father had migrated west from Eastern Canada to Southern California. Death and funerals were always experienced by other families, but now it was imminent in mine.
My father leaned very far to the left when it came to his political views. He was one of the first to vocalize his displeasure over the Vietnam War. However when it came to baseball, he was a staunch conservative. He never liked the DH and I always joked that interleague play was one of the things that eventually did him in. He was extremely organized and preached preventative maintenance. When I would say I couldn’t afford to replace my bald tires, he would counter by saying if I get a flat tire, I’ll figure out some way to get the money to fix it, plus pay for all the extra grief I caused myself. He was right as usual.
So I wasn’t surprised when I discovered he had already made his cremation arrangements through a cremation society thus alleviating any burden on me who as the oldest son assumed all responsibilities. He didn’t leave a will which did surprise me, but he may have figured I would know how to disperse his money and belongings.
Since he had pre-planned his options prior to his death, I just needed to pick up his cremated ashes at a designated mortuary. I didn’t think of a service at that time and knew he wouldn’t want anyone making a fuss. However my wife reminded me that memorial services are for the living, so after some discussions with my brothers, we decided on two events.
He had lived at the Inland Empire’s version of Leisure World and was very active prior to the hip incident. His place was adjacent to a courtyard so we set up his favorite easy chair, placed his ashes and other items that represented him and his life such as his favorite Angels ball cap and had a party with all his neighbors and friends.
Following that commemorative event in which I heard some great stories about my father, my brother who lives in Point Loma arranged for a bagpiper to play Amazing Grace while he swam out into the ocean a couple hundred yards with my father’s ashes. This was perfect since my family had spent a great deal of time around the water and we were all swimmers or water polo players. I had planned to join my brother, but had recently injured my shoulder in a basketball tournament.
The wives chose to stay back at my brother’s house, so it was my two brothers and mother, who had been divorced from my father for years, but remained his best friend. Seeing my brother swimming out at dusk with the bagpipes in the background was a special moment and even my father would have tolerated it on his behalf. My wife was right. Memorial services whether they involve cremation or traditional burial are for the living. I would never use the word closure, but it helps put life in perspective and makes it a little easier to move on.
My second experience didn’t find me thinking as clearly, but fortunately I had the people at Fairhaven Memorial Services to lean on. We’ll discuss in my next blog how they rose to the occasion.

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by Ian Crockett

While perusing the large selection of commemorative items in Fairhaven Memorial Park and Mortuary’s showroom, I saw a picture frame that included a container to house ashes. I thought it was a fantastic idea and the perfect memorial to my wife of 32 years that I recently lost. When the Fairhaven representative informed me the picture frame concept had flopped, I was stunned.
The intent is to have a photo of the deceased in the frame and their cremated ashes stored behind the photo. I would think that for many people this is superior to the urn since you only tell those you want to know. Those who might get “creeped out” over cremated ashes of a deceased in a living room never need to know there’s anything behind the picture.
I chose not to put a photo of my wife in the frame. Over the years, I’ve developed a number of friends from different times of my life that are now scattered all over the country. The moment they heard my wife had died, they all dropped what they were doing and rushed to my side. At the Memorial Service, a picture was taken of all of us standing in my front yard. It even included my Great Pyrenees dog Sabrina, who was my wife’s companion. It was that photo I selected to accompany my wife’s ashes. I have pictures of my wife all over the house, at my office and in my wallet, so I felt this was a fitting tribute to my very best friend.
Everyone I’ve told about the picture frame idea or have seen it, think it’s a fantastic idea. A couple of people who have lost their own loved ones have indicated they are going to Fairhaven to purchase one. When I tell them the concept wasn’t well received, they are as flabbergast as I was when I heard they were no longer being manufactured.
As a marketing person, I wonder if it was the idea or how the idea was marketed. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said that if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat a path to your door. That’s no longer the case since the world is a lot larger and channels of distribution are established. If you fail to have the correct channel or don’t create awareness to a product or idea, the world will never know you had the superior mouse trap.
In the digital age, photos are more prominent, so perhaps it’s time to approach a frame manufacturer to rekindle the idea while offering the proper marketing support to make sure the world beats a path to their door.

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I know that the options for cremation are confusing to some people. Particularly if you have not pre-planned or had the experience of arranging a funeral. Cremation is a popular choice for many people. However, a cremation service does not mean that the ceremony is any less important.

It is my personal belief, and a funeral is a very personal choice, which typically evolves around personal belief, that the funeral should be a direct reflection of the person you are having the funeral service for. For example, if your loved one was quiet and reserved, the service should probably be quiet and reserved. This might include a minister, or an officiant, some quiet music, a few words from one or two family members. If your loved one was a gregarious sort, you would probably want livelier music, perhaps symbols of a hobby or work. At Fairhaven, this has included a motorcycle or favorite antique car at the service, clowns for a person who was a clown, bands, choirs that the person sang in, you get the drift. For one young boy who loved knights and castles, we had a horse and knight walk down the center isle at the service. This is what he wanted. The funeral service is a ceremony for the living to remember and pay tribute to their loved one. It can be special and creative, however, better to plan what you want in advance. Your family may not know you want the clowns, a horse and carriage, a dove release or bag pipes at your service.

If you are planning a cremation for a family member, you can have a service that will reflect that person’s personality and can be a gift to all of the friends and family left behind. If you are a good planner, you may be able to do this yourself. Of course, I would recommend the help of your local funeral director. They are familiar with planning services, and can make suggestions and arrange for a location, a minister or celebrant, and music, to make the rest of what you have to do during a difficult time much easier.