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Today, we continue our series on grief, faith and culture with a guest post from Fairhaven Family Service Counselor and Christian pastor, Jim Bogosian. Jim talks about a personal loss he suffered and how, as a Christian, his faith sustained him. As you will see, Jim’s faith is very important to him and he used it to supply answers when his family suffered a tragedy.  Every day, the promises and teachings of his faith help him live with his loss and give him hope.

Disclaimer: The religious information contained in these guest blog posts are the beliefs of the guest blogger and in no way reflect Fairhaven’s endorsement of any particular religion.

I will never forget April 17^th, 1990.  What started out as just another ordinary day turned out to be an extraordinary life-altering day.  Having not fully recovered from strep throat, that morning my wife and I took our first child, our daughter Elisabeth, who was 8 years old at the time, to our pediatrician.  Later that day, we entered a new world as together we stepped onto the oncology floor at Children’s Hospital, Los Angeles.

After waiting for what seemed an eternity to hear the results of a bone marrow test, we sat with an oncologist who told us that our daughter had a kind of leukemia that without treatment would take her life in two to three months!  So began our ten-month journey with our beautiful daughter who until then had been perfectly healthy…down a road we certainly hadn’t anticipated when we held her in our arms as a newborn.  Ten months later, we stood over her grave at a committal service at Forest Lawn in Hollywood Hills.

We had experienced what many have called the most traumatic, most profound, most overwhelming,  most inconsolable of losses.  For us—unprecedented pain, loss, sorrow, and grief.  What we had believed to be true, as part of our Christian faith—the Biblical truths that we had grown up learning and that as a pastor I had taught to my church week after week—were put to the test.  Through it all, and day-by-day for twenty years since our Elisabeth’s death, we have been enabled by God to live in and be enlarged by loss…to find healing, comfort, and recovery…and to experience new beginnings.  God’s promise, we have found, is true:  “No test that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.  All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).  We have run for our very lives to God, grabbed the promised hope with both hands and found an unbreakable spiritual lifeline.

This lifeline is what the Bible calls “grace,” the “Amazing Grace” we sing about and that God freely gives to those who relinquish their self confidence and self will and put their trust in Jesus Christ, choosing to pursue his way of living and submit to his leadership.  God’s full provision, his supply, his mercy—that which we can never earn and do not deserve—is gifted to us who believe to meet our every need.

At the times when we were without our own resources and ability to cope, we took hold of God’s “grace resources” that are promised to all Christians.  Here are some:

Biblical understanding—the awareness that we live in a fallen world order (so that we could accept life in a broken world rather than challenge what is);  the knowledge that God is perfectly good, loving, faithful, kind (so that, we could reflect on what God is like—instead of focusing on the pain of our loss and feeling confused and angry at God);  the understanding that God rules over all (so that when it looks and feels like things are out of control, we can choose to submit our lives and circumstances to God);  the knowledge that God is the only one who can bring good out of what is bad gave us hope for the future.

Encouraging examples—Stories from the Bible and from history of those who endured losses—people who trusted God in their afflictions, loved him with their whole being, and obeyed him. Their examples have kept us going, their songs have encouraged us, their poetry has given us language to express our complaints, pain, hope (Psalms), their stories have provided perspective.

God’s presence and promises—The Christian can be confident of God’s presence and can draw on his promises in the Bible.  Countless times when we felt fearful and vulnerable, we held on to the promise of his presence with us (e.g. “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’  So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.’” Hebrews 13:5,6;  “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” Psalm 23:4).

Supportive relationships—In our darkest days we came to value more than ever the care and support of the Christian community.  Many hundreds prayed for us, wrote to us, called us, visited us, took care of our two other kids (a 5 year old and a 2 year old); provided meals for us.  And almost every day people of faith came to the hospital or to our home and cried with us, prayed with us, encouraged us, held us, played with us…

Hope for the future—There is no more sad place on earth than a grave site.  As a pastor, I’ve stood over many open graves watching families say their last goodbyes to their loved ones, tears streaming down their faces…  The most heartbreaking was when my wife and I had to bury our daughter.  But it is against the black backdrop of death that the light of the Christian message shines most radiantly and means the most.  Because Jesus Christ offered his life for us on the cross and came out of the grave alive, the person who trusts in him is forgiven and assured of eternal life in heaven.  So when a follower of Jesus dies, the part of us we cannot see—the spirit/soul—immediately goes to be with the Lord in heaven.

In the middle of our grief, we were able to rejoice knowing that when our Elisabeth took her final breath here on earth, she stepped into the presence of God in heaven!  And someday when Jesus returns to the earth, the bodies of those who have died in Christ will be raised / transformed, and a new world order will be established.  That day every wrong will be made right, sorrow will be turned into joy, darkness into light, brokenness into wholeness, loss into gain.   This “good news” is promised by God himself in the Bible, verified by Christ’s empty grave!

My wife and I would have no comfort if we had no hope of ever seeing our precious daughter, Elisabeth, again.  But because of Christ we’re going to heaven and we will see her again.  We’ll be able to hug her, kiss her, talk with her, laugh with her, and together enjoy the life that God has planned for us in the world to come!  Each day that passes, we’re one day closer to that great day!  In the meantime, every day as we walk with Jesus we can live in his peace, joy, and purpose!

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How many funerals, visitations and wakes have you been to where the casket has been open and the deceased on display for all to see? I know that within my own family on my mother’s side, open caskets were practically mandatory at every funeral and/or visitation. But every family’s preference is different and sometimes circumstances are such that an open casket is not possible. And sometimes it is the family’s traditions and faith that dictate whether or not a casket should be open.

There are a variety of reasons people prefer to have an open casket. If you discount those who do it for religious reasons, when the determination of whether or not to do it becomes personal preference, many times the reason boils down to the grief of the family. For some, viewing their loved one in the casket helps them to accept the death and helps them to move on. For others, this ritual is seen as a sign of respect for the one who has passed. And in many cases, it is a chance for those left behind to say goodbye. This especially holds true if the person had not seen the decedent recently or if the decedent died very unexpectedly.

Four years ago, my daughter was awakened on her birthday with text messages.  The messages were not birthday wishes but news that a friend had been killed in a car accident. Understandably, my daughter was upset, perhaps more so because such a tragedy occurred on her birthday. She had not seen her friend recently, but she still felt the need to say goodbye. She went to the visitation, but there was no open casket because of the nature of the accident. My daughter wished she could have seen her friend, but understood why it was not to be. Even after all the time that has passed, she still wishes she could have seen her friend one last time.

The affects of not being able to see a loved one that final time can sometimes be felt for years afterward. Michael Alarcon, manager of Fairhaven Memorial Services, told me a story he does not often share with others.

“I was 18 when my grandfather passed away.  As a Catholic, we scheduled a Visitation and Rosary Recital to be held the evening before the Mass.  I was young, immature and unaware fully of the Catholic traditions; I chose to spend the evening of the Visitation and Rosary hanging out with my friends because I was certain that I would have an opportunity to view him in the morning at the Mass.

“I found out the next day at the Mass that the casket would be closed as the focus was on the Liturgy.  Twenty three years have passed since my grandfather died.  I still have an ache in my heart and wished I had been more aware of the Catholic tradition. I wished I taken the opportunity to view him when I had the chance.”

For Michael, the dust of guilt now mars his memories of his grandfather’s funeral. The last view, the last chance to say goodbye, had been lost.

When deciding whether or not to have a visitation or whether or not to attend one, you must think about what is important to you and how you will feel. It would not be beneficial to family members if you went to the viewing of a friend and were emotionally unable to deal with an open casket. And viewing is truly a personal preference as some people are afraid to view the dead.

For myself, it was never important to see the person in their casket. I viewed neither of my parents even though my siblings and friends of my parents did attend the viewing. I preferred that my last memories of them not be that of their body in the casket. My choice upset my sister, but I had to do what was right for me.

Growing up in a family that usually had open casket funerals, I had no problems with visitations as a child. However, caution should be exercised with regard to taking children to visitations as they may become frightened.  I remember when I was seven, my aunt Laura died. Her children arranged for a visitation, then a funeral and burial. Since Laura lived in Washington State and we lived in California, my mother had to race to get to the funeral. It was very important to my mother to see her sister one last time. She needed the closure. She needed to say goodbye and she had no qualms taking her seven year old along since I had been to other funerals.

Since we were driving, my mother was very afraid we would not make it to the funeral on time. The service was held in a small church in a very tiny town near where my mother was born. When my mother realized we would miss the funeral by an hour or so, she called her sisters and she asked that they hold the service for her. It was a story they all laughed about later that day at my Aunt Laura’s wake, how the funeral service had been held so Mabel could make there from California.

To this day I remember my mother marching me and my two grown brothers up the aisle of the church to the front pew. We sat down and she told the preacher he could begin. After the service, she asked for the casket to be opened just for her so she could say goodbye. Everyone but my mother and her sisters left the church so the Mullins sisters could say goodbye to Laura.

That last chance to see Laura meant the world to my mother. She never forgot how her sisters made the preacher wait for her to arrive before starting the service and how the funeral director accommodated their wish to see Laura afterward. And as you can see, it is a story that remains bright in my memories of my mother and my aunt more than forty years after Laura’s death.

The need to see your loved one a final time, to say goodbye, to find closure, to pay your respects or to see the proof that they are gone is something that in all ways affects the processing of your grief. Whether you choose to view someone or not is all part of dealing with grief and everyone must make the choice that is right for them.

Charity Gallardo

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Today, we start a series of posts on grief, faith and culture. People deal with grief in different ways. How they deal with grief and loss can be impacted by their culture and their chosen faith. In an effort to understand the many ways we can alleviate and deal with grief, we’ve begun a series of guest blogs by people of different faiths and cultures. The focus of their posts will be personal stories of how their culture or faith shaped the way in which they dealt with their grief.

Disclaimer: The religious information contained in these guest blog posts are the beliefs of the guest blogger and in no way reflect Fairhaven’s endorsement of any particular religion. 

Turning the Wheel: Death and Wicca by Inspirational Author Mary Caelsto

My father died today, eight years ago, to be exact. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer around Thanksgiving; by the time of my birthday (mid-January) he was gone. Three short months to realize that the man who had been my rock, my heart, and my soul, was slipping away from me, and there was not a thing I could do about it.

I don’t do grief well. I don’t do “hospitals” or “sick” well either. I’ve always been too emotional and held my heart too close to the surface. But as I’ve grown in my faith, I’ve gotten better. In shuttling mom to and from doctors appointments last year about this time when she had lost the sight in one of her eyes, I came to grips with my father’s loss and with my own grief, which I’d kept bottled up and tucked away out of sight from prying eyes.

I’ve been Wiccan for nearly twenty years, though like most people, I’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship with the gods. My dad knew I was Wiccan. “Are you a witch?” he asked me one day long ago, “because I saw one of those cop tv shows and they showed altars  and that looks like what you have in your apartment.” While I kept quiet on the portrayal of my religion in the media, I couldn’t lie to my father. Yes, I am Wiccan.

I believe in the great wheel of the year. As the seasons move from winter to spring, then summer to fall before turning back to winter, so too, do our lives. We’re children, and we mature into young adults, then mature adults, until we age into elderhood. Eventually, we, like the flowers in winter, die. It’s tough to watch a loved one fade and pass away, tougher still when it happens suddenly. However, when we look at death in the context of the larger wheel of the year and cycles of nature, it becomes if no less difficult, then more understandable. And, like the tulips coming back in the spring, as a Wiccan, I believe our souls return.

In fact, I believe we each were put here to accomplish certain things. When our time is done, so are we. And since our souls choose the method of our birth and the means of our death prior to our incarnation, it can be said that everyone dies as he or she wishes. To know that my father accomplished his goals, though I might not know what they are, comforts me. I rejoice for his accomplishments, even as I mourn his loss.

Thankfully grief is part of the cycle as well. Our tears fall and we turn inward in our grief. We need to work through the process, but eventually we will come through the other side. I no longer break down when I think about my father, though sometimes fond memories or fleeting reminders bring tears. I’m more at ease with my grief, and I believe whether it’s in this life, or the next, I will see my father again.

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You’ve suffered the loss of a loved one. Your friends and family are well meaning, but maybe you need some more private help, something you can do on your own to help cope.  Here’s a list of ten things you can do online to help ease your grief.

1. Light a candle to your loved one at gratefulness.org.

2. Create a memorial web page.

3. Join an online grief club or support group or community.

4. Search for a local grief support group.

5. Search for books on grief: Amazon’s Top Grief Books.

6. Create a memorial video to be viewed online.

7. View videos about coping with grief.

8. Join a Facebook grief group.

9. Chat with others in a grief chatroom.

10. Write about your loved one in a blog post or journal or subscribe to a blog that talks about loss and grief.

Not everything you do to ease your grief has to be public or shared with your family and friends. There are many things you can do privately, on your own with the help of your computer and the internet. You can find resources and answers to your questions as well as find out how other people cope with losing a loved one. Hopefully, the links here can help you in your time of need.

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Today’s post is by Lou Carlson, who has been a Family Service Counselor at Fairhaven Memorial Park for twenty years.

Dell Eastman had worked at Fairhaven Memorial Park and Mortuary for 20 years when I met him. He had begun work as a cemetery salesman, and when the mortuary was built be continued to serve families as an arrangement counselor. He had a warm and engaging smile, kind of bulgy eyes and he walked with a slight limp from years of standing and waiting (we do that a lot in cemetery service!). But he was a wonderful conversationalist because he asked questions. He wanted to know about you, he was genuinely interested in your life and story.

Dell had retired after 20 years. He thought he would enjoy life, relaxing at home. His wife, Ann, however had very different ideas and gave Dell a “honey-do” list every day. The list always included sweeping the garage floor and the front porch. (Dell detested pushing a broom!!) Dell returned to Fairhaven employment in less than a year!! He worked another ten years before he finally retired “for good”.

For ten years, after he returned to work, I watched Dell, who was now serving families as a service director. He was patient, courteous, polite and careful. We talked over lunch in the employee break room, at graveside services as we waited for the family to arrive and at the Elks Club, when Dell took me to lunch there. And most days, Dell came into my office (when I was not with a family) to chat. We became good friends. He had many friends at Fairhaven Memorial Park and in the community where he lived.

Then, a few weeks ago, it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen Dell for a while. I shrugged it off assuming that he might be visiting family, or something. I thought I’d drive by his home (he lives very near me) and see how he was doing. But I didn’t do it. I ignored the quiet voice in my heart that told me to visit him.

On Sunday, the phone rang at my home. Dell had died.

I was shocked, grieved at the death of a long time friend and guilty that I had not tried to visit him. If I had driven by his house I would have discovered that he was hospitalized, then in a nursing home, where he died. I was most saddened to learn that almost no one knew of his health situation, or had visited him during his last days and hours on earth.

Dell had asked me to officiate at his wife’s funeral a few years ago. After the services, he asked me to do the same thing at his (future) services, and I agreed. Twice at lunch at the Elks Club and once in my office, I interviewed Dell about his life. He told me his life story, he told me about Ann and their love, he told me about his military service in the Pacific theater of World War II, he shared many stories about serving families at funerals and of his love for California Lottery “Scratchers” (he bought many of them every day!!). And, he gave me a little gift. It was a card that read:

‘“A hug is the perfect gift – one size fits all and nobody minds if you exchange it.” (Ivern Ball)…. Dell Eastman.’

The staff atFairhaven, all who knew Dell, were stricken at the news of his passing. The ladies remembered Dell’s hugs – he loved to hug people (especially the ladies!). He was one of our own, and now, instead of standing beside the casket of a client, he was in his own casket. He was neatly dressed and looking younger than I had seen him in years. But the smile was gone, his eyes were closed, his hands were folded over his lap, his voice was stilled. Our co-worker, our friend was gone. Thousands of families whom he had served, had lost a memorable funeral counselor and service director. And we had all lost a dear friend.

At his funeral I told the story of his life, recounted his exploits during WWII, shared his love for Ann and gave everyone a personal copy of Dell’s “hug card”. Then, as the service ended, I asked the service directors to give to every guest a Lottery “Scratcher” card. It seemed a fitting way to conclude the services for a friend who had changed our lives with his smile, his hugs and his servant’s heart.

But Fairhaven Memorial Park will never be the same without him. Since his passing I have seen small groups of staff chatting about Dell, sharing memories and funny stories about him, wondering how many people remember him and how many staff never met him. Some were surprised, even shocked to learn that he had died. They had seen him recently – he seemed so well!!

There were some tears, some hugs and a quiet time.

All who work at a funeral home must deal with death and dying, directly or indirectly every day. We serve a mourning community. But it is in moments like these, when we must live through the death of a valued colleague, that we discover again how valuable our friends and family are. And how vulnerable we are to the emotions of grief and loss, when a co-worker dies.

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COPING WITH GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Tis the season to be jolly, to deck the halls, to experience great joy with family and friends. Yet for some people, this holiday season may be a time of sadness, of grieving because of the loss of a loved one due to death or a broken relationship, the loss of a job, the lack of money to travel to be with family, the loss of a home, or the many other reasons people can feel pain during the holidays. Sometimes the grief is new and raw, other times, it’s old and familiar, although no less painful.

The contrast between the outward trappings of the holidays and your inner feelings of grief can be so great that people may not know how to get through the holidays. Many of their friends and family may not know how to support them.

People often avoid others who are grieving because they don’t know what to say or do to help. If you want to support someone who’s grieving, ask how best to comfort him. Does he want company? To talk about his loss to someone who will just listen?

Sometime the worst part of the holidays is the dread leading up to them. The actual day might not be as bad as you feared, and might, instead, be a good day—or at least parts of it are. A loss can make you focus on and feel grateful for who and what you do have. Therefore, it’s important to take some time during a holiday to appreciate the people who care about you.

Follow your intuition about how to celebrate the holidays. Don’t let someone else (no matter how well meaning) tell you what to do. Whether you celebrate or not, go away or stay home, simplify or go all out, should be up to you (although you need to take into consideration the needs of other family members.)

Have a family meeting to discuss traditions, finances, duties, and feelings. Given the limitations of time, energy, and money, figure out what will bring the most peace and satisfaction to all involved. Divvy up what each person will do.

Some family members might want to be part of a crowd because they don’t want to feel alone. Others will want some quiet time on the holiday. Neither choice is right or wrong. The personal preference needs to be respected. So if someone wants to go to her room or take a solitary walk in the midst of the chaos, then respect that. Or just invite friends and family over for a short time.

If you’re grieving, let people know ahead of time how you think you’ll be feeling and how they can best support you. For example, if you’re not up to cooking a big dinner, but would still like to get together, have everyone bring a dish. If you can only tolerate others for an hour instead of the whole day like normal, be clear about the time boundaries. Talk about how you’d like people to support you if you’re emotional. For example, do they give you a hug, pretend not to notice the tears running down your cheeks, or talk to you about shared memories?

Find ways to help others. No matter how much pain you’re in, giving to others can lift your spirits for a while, or at least give you a feeling of purpose. Sometimes seeing the plight of others put your troubles in perspective.

Even if you’re scraping the bottom of the financial barrel, you can still be of service. You help an elderly person put up (and take down) his or her holiday decorations, serve food at a soup kitchen, babysit a neighbor’s children so she can go Christmas shopping, clean out your closet and take your unneeded clothes and shoes to a shelter or other charitable organization. Shovel the snow from the walkway of an elderly or disabled person so he or she can get out. Visit a convalescent home or a veteran’s hospital to visit those who are often forgotten during the holiday.

Avoid excess alcohol. Eat fairly healthy. (It’s almost impossible to eat completely healthy. Besides you’d miss out on some of the fun.) Exercise, even if it’s going for a walk. Get as much sleep as possible. Take a good multi-vitamin/mineral supplement and extra vitamin C and D to keep your immune system strong. Take an Omega three supplement, such as Krill or Salmon oil to keep your brain healthy. Although this is good advice for everyone during the holidays, it’s especially important for those who grieve.

Debra Holland, M.S., Ph.D., is a psychotherapist and corporate crisis/grief counselor. She worked with American Airlines after 9-11, counseled victims of the Metrolink train wreck in 2002, volunteered as a mental health relief worker after Hurricane Katrina, and counseled victims during and after the 2008 California fires.

Dr. Debra is the author of the Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving which is available at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.

Grief strikes everyone–men and women, young and old, rich and poor–at some point in life. But knowing others have gone through similar emotions does little to lessen mourning when you’re reeling from loss. How do you cope with grief and work through it? How do you help a child or other loved one find the way back from their pain?

The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving offers help and hope in coming to terms with loss and healing its wounds. Grief counselor Debra Holland explains the relationship between loss and grief, shares how others have worked through their own losses, and offers reassurance that what you’re feeling as you mourn is normal.

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Coping with the Holidays after the Loss of a Loved One

The weeks between Thanksgiving and the New Year can be both joyful and stressful. While we often find warmth and comfort in our family traditions, for someone who has recently experienced the death of a loved one, family traditions can make their grief all the more poignant, and tackling the season’s “to dos” can seem an impossible chore. But there are things that can be done to help those that grieve cope with the holidays.
The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) offers the following suggestions for those grieving this holiday season:
Take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. The pace of the holiday season can wear anyone out, but carrying the weight of loss on your shoulders can amplify your stress. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating properly, and taking time for yourself.
Unburden yourself when and where it’s possible. If participating in traditions brings you comfort, by all means do so, but don’t be afraid to curb how much you take on this season. For example, perhaps you can be a guest at the family holiday party rather than hosting it this year.

Create a holiday plan. Decide which family traditions you want to take part in this year and plan out your participa¬tion. A plan can help you avoid getting caught off guard by unexpected activi¬ties or tasks.
Share your memories with others. The holidays surround us with fond memories. Don’t be reluctant to talk about those memories, and the special person who died by name. Sharing memories of your loved one with others can help ebb the loneliness you may be feeling.
Above all else, do what’s right for you. Your family and friends care about you and will most likely offer advice on what you should do. However, you are the only one that can fully understand what you need to make it through the holidays. Take time to outline your needs, then share your plans with your family and friends. Keeping your expectations realistic and letting yourself rely on family and friends will help you through your holiday grief.
For additional information visit www.nfda.org or contact a local NFDA funeral director about holiday aftercare programs. NFDA funeral homes around the country are participating in a national consumer education campaign, For A Life Worth Celebrating™, in an effort to help consumers make wise and informed decisions related to funeral service.
NFDA is the leading funeral service association, serving more than 20,300 funeral directors who represent more than 12,200 funeral homes in the United States and other countries.

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If you have experienced the death of a loved one, please seek help from one or several of these sources. Many of the people that attend Fairhaven’s grief support group, also attend others. You can also contract Mariposacenter.org for more information about support groups in Orange County.

Mariposa Women and Family Center
812 W. Town and Country Rd.
Orange, CA 92868
Contact: Mike Meador
(Bereavement Director)
(714)547-6494 ext. 329
Email: mmeador@mariposacenter.org
Website: www.mariposacenter.org

Aliso Viejo
VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
Coast Hills Community Church
5 Pursuit
Aliso Viejo, CA 92656
Contact: Sandie Moore
(949)362-0079 (Church)
(949)496-1597 (Home)
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Grief Recovery
An action program for moving beyond loss
Class format, handbook, group discussions
8-week sessions

Anaheim
Parents of Murdered Children, Inc.
Zion Lutheran Church
222 N. East Street
Anaheim, CA 92805
(714)999-7132
Website: www.gocpomc.org
- Adult Survivors of Homicide Victims Group
For family & friends of those who have
died by violence

VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
Knott Avenue Christian Church
315 S. Knott Ave.
Anaheim, CA 92804
(714)527-5195
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Grief Share

Anaheim Hills
VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
San Antonio Catholic Church
5800 E. Santa Ana Canyon Rd.
Anaheim Hills, CA 92807
Contact: Barbara Jou-Jan Roche
(714)281-1721
Website: www.sanantonioparish.org
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Adult Bereavement Group

Brea
Kids Konnected
Brea Community Center
695 Madison Ave., Meeting Room H
Brea, CA 92821
Contact: Justine Palacios
Valene Corcoran (Director of Development)
(949)582-5443
(800)899-2866
Email: info@kidskonnected.org
Website: www.kidskonnected.org
- Children’s Support Group

Costa Mesa
Costa Mesa Senior Center
695 W. 19th St.
Costa Mesa, CA 92627
(949)645-2356
- “Transitions Program”
Group addresses issues of loss of a loved one,
health problems, loneliness, isolation, depression
and decrease in independence.
Senior Support Group
“We don’t grieve, we achieve!”

Kids Konnected
OC Susan G. Komen for the Cure Office
3191-A Airport Loop Drive
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Contact: Justine Palacios
Valene Corcoran (Director of Development)
(949)582-5443
(800)899-2866
Email: info@kidskonnected.org
Website: www.kidskonnected.org
- Children’s Support Group

VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
Jewish Family Services Office
250 E. Baker, Suite C
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
(714)445-4950
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Bereavement Support Group

Fairhaven
Fairhaven Support Group
Fairhaven Memorial Park & Mortuary
Waverley Gallery
1702 Fairhaven Ave.
Santa Ana, CA 92705
Contact: Carol Sexton or Ruth Velez
(714)633-1442
- Loss of a Loved One
Second Thursday of the month at 2:00
Open to the community

Fullerton
Compassionate Friends
Grace Bible Chapel
1119 S. Lambert Dr.
Fullerton, CA 92833
Contact: Roy Redman
(714)993-6708
Website: www.thecompassionatefriendsoc.com
- Loss of a Child
For parents, grandparents, siblings (over 14 yrs. old)

Open to the community
Please call prior to attending 1st meeting
No fee

First Evangelical Church
2801 N. Brea Blvd., Bldg. B-207
Fullerton, CA 92835
Contact: Bob Lawther
(714)990-2287 (Home)
(714)529-5544 (Church)
- Bereavement Support Group
For men & women of all ages
Group has a religious component

Fullerton Senior Center
(Co-sponsored by:
VITAS Innovative Hospice Care)
340 W. Commonwealth Ave.
Fullerton, CA 92832
Contact to pre-register: Vicki
(714)738-6305
Contact: Linda McMahon
(Bereavement Services Manager)
(714)734-2753
- Bereavement Support Group
Bereavement Support Group

St. Jude Community Services
Conference Room
130 W. Bastanchury
Fullerton, CA 92835
(800)870-7537 – option 2
Contact: Karyl Dupee
(714)446-7035
- “Healing Hearts After Loss”

No fee – $2 donation accepted
Registration required

Garden Grove
Crystal Cathedral
12141 Lewis St.
Garden Grove, CA 92840
*Go in Chapman Ave. gate
Take an immediate right
Contact: Linda Moore
(714)750-9237
-
 New Hope Hotline:
(714)639-4673
 Teen Line:
(714)639-8336
Open to the community
No fee
Odysey Hospice
7077 Orangewood St., Suite 201
Garden Grove, CA 92841
(714)934-4520
(800)797-2686
Contact: Gary Tucker (Bereavement Coordinator)
Email: gtucker@odsyhealth.com
- Death of a Loved One (adults)

Huntington Beach
Heartland Hospice
St. Peters by the Sea Presbyterian Church
16931 Bolsa Chica
Huntington Beach, CA 92649
Contact: Chris Strutt
(714)558-2366
Email: cameron_cs1@yahoo.com
- Adult Bereavement Group
Faith-based group

St. Bonaventure Church
16400 Springdale St.
Huntington Beach, CA 92649
Contact: Sister Annunciata
(714)846-3359
- General Bereavement Support Group
Located in: Teacher’s Lounge

St. Simon & St. Jude Catholic Parish
20444 Magnolia St.
Huntington Beach, CA 92646
Contact: Maureen O’Day
(714)962-3333 ext. 236
- Support Group for Widows & Widowers
8-week session
Located in: Multi-Purpose Room
Pre-registration is required
Call for schedule

Irvine
Compassionate Friends
Rancho Senior Center
3 Sandberg Way
Irvine, CA
(949)552-2800
- Loss of a Child
1st Wednesday 7:00-9:00pm

Jewish Family Services of Orange County
1 Federation Way, Suite 220
Irvine, CA 92603
(949)435-3460
(714)445-4950
- General Bereavement Support Group
Every Monday 2:00-3:30pm
Pre-registration is required

Lakeview Senior Center
20 Lake Road
Irvine, CA 92604
Contact: Judy Denton
(949)724-6924
- “Living with the Loss of a Spouse”

Mariner’s Church
5001 Newport Coast Drive
Irvine, CA 92603
Contact: Carol Collins (for dates & times)
(949)723-7890
Website: www.marinerschurch.org

VITAS Innovative Hospice Care
220 Commerce, Suite 100 (VITAS office)
Irvine, CA 92602
Contact: Linda McMahon (for dates of next series)
(714)734-2753
- “Grief 101”
For those whose loved ones have died within the past 12 weeks
- “Missing Our Mothers”
For adult women who recently experienced the death of their mother
Saturday morning workshop, 8:30-12:00pm
Follow-up session 4 weeks later – Saturday morning 9:00-11:00am

Laguna Beach
Laguna Presbyterian Church
415 Forest Ave.
Laguna Beach, CA 92651
Contact: Jackie Pearson, LMFT
(949)494-7555
- Growing Through Grief
Location: Parlor

South Coast Medical Center
31872 Pacific Coast Highway
Laguna Beach, CA 92651
(949)499-7133
- General Bereavement Support Group

Laguna Hills
Saddleback Memorial Hospital
24551 Health Center Dr.
Laguna Hills, CA 92653
Contact: Joan Way
(949)598-3941
- General Bereavement Support Group

Chandra Chaikin, MS, LMFT
- Living For Today: Grief and Loss Group For Seniors
Tired of feeling alone? Do you feel like life has lost its
spark? Come share your wisdom and experience
with others.
24953 Paseo De Valencia
Suite 24-B
Laguna Hills, CA 92653
(714) 404-2802
E-mail: info@ChandraChaikin.com

Laguna Niguel
Art & Creativity for Healing
26079 Getty Drive
Laguna Niguel, CA 92677
(949)367-1902
Website: www.art4healing.org
- Bereavement 4-week Workshop Series
For those dealing with the loss of a
loved one
• Children Workshop series – 2009
Adult Fee: $135 (includes art materials)

St. Timothy Catholic Church
29102 Crown Valley Parkway
Laguna Niguel, CA 92677
Contact: Sally Hotchkiss (for dates & times)
(949)249-4096
- Grief & Loss
8-week Group

Laguna Woods
Temple Judea
24512 Moulton Parkway
Laguna Woods, CA 92637
Contact: Cally Clein
(949)830-0470
- General Bereavement Group

Lake Forest
Saddleback Church
1 Saddleback Parkway
Lake Forest, CA 92630
Contact: Elaine Quickle
(949)609-8392
(Call for start of next 13-week session)
- Grief Support Workshop
13-week session
Group has a religious component

Santiago de Compostela Catholic Church
21682 Lake Forest Dr.
Lake Forest, CA 92630
Contact: Mary
(949)380-7520
- “Good Grief Group”
Support for men & women who are grieving over
the death of a spouse, child, parent, relative, or friend
Location: Parish Hall
Open-ended
Non-denominational

Los Alamitos
Cancer Support Foundation
Los Alamitos Community Center
10911 Oak St.
Los Alamitos, CA 90720
Contact: Connie Fike
(562)799-3131
Email: cancerfoundation@aol.com
- Bereavement Support Group
8-week series

Los Alamitos Community Center
10911 Oak St.
Los Alamitos, CA 90720
(562)594-9977
- Spouse Bereavement Group
Three 8-week sessions a year
Sponsored by the Cancer Support
Foundation of Los Alamitos

Mission Viejo
Gary’s Place for Kids
Mission Hospital Conference Center
26726 Crown Valley Parkway
Mission Viejo, CA 92694
(949)348-0548
Website: www.gpfkoc.org
Grief support for children ages 3-18 who have experienced
the death of a loved one & for their parents/other significant
adults in their lives.
- Children’s Grief Support Group
For “Littles” (ages 3-8 years) &
“Middles” (ages 9-12 years)
Teen Grief Support Group
Ages 13-18 years
Adult Group
All groups meet during the months of September through June
Open to the community
No fee

Kids Konnected
Mission Hospital Conference Center
26726 Crown Valley Pkwy
Mission Viejo, CA 92694
Contact: Justine Palacios
Valene Corcoran (Director of Development)
(949)582-5443
(800)899-2866
Email: info@kidskonnected.org
Website: www.kidskonnected.org
- Children’s Support Group
2nd Monday 6:30-8:00pm

Mission Hospital Regional Medical Center
27700 Medical Center Rd.
Mission Viejo, CA 92691
(949)364-1400
Contact: Sandy Fant
Email: sandy.fant@stjoe.org
- “Living Life Again”
Adult Bereavement Group
10-week session
3 times per year
Registration is required

Presbyterian Church of the Master
25051 Marguerite Parkway
Mission Viejo, CA 92692
Contact: Karen Carson
(949)768-7652
(Call for dates & times of next group)
- Grief Recovery

Newport Beach
Hoag Hospital
1 Hoag Dr.
Newport Beach, CA 92663
Contact: Maxine
(949)764-8358
- Email: PerinatalLoss@hoaghospital.org
-
St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church
600 St. Andrews Road
Newport Beach, CA 92663
Contact: Betty Adkinson
(949)673-5725
(Call for future dates & times)
- Growing in Christ Through Grief
6-week session
up has a religious component
Optional $15 materials fee

Orange
Guide for Infant Survival (GIS)
For anyone who has lost a child to
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)
Contact: Barbara Estep
(949)474-8417
(Call for times & locations – parents take turns
hosting the group meetings)
Website: www.gisoc.org

Kids Konnected
Cordelia Knott Center for Wellness
230 South Main Street, Suite 100
Orange, CA 92868
Contact: Justine Palacios
Valene Corcoran (Director of Development)
(949)582-5443
(800)899-2866
Email: info@kidskonnected.org
Website: www.kidskonnected.org
- Children’s Support Group

Mariposa Women and Family Center
812 W. Town and Country Rd.
Orange, CA 92868
Contact: Mike Meador
(Bereavement Director)
(714)547-6494 ext. 329
Email: mmeador@mariposacenter.org
Website: www.mariposacenter.org

Orange Senior Center
170 S. Olive Street
Orange, CA 92866
(714)538-9633
- Moving On
For older people who have lost a spouse

St. Joseph’s Hospice
1100 West Stewart Drive
Orange, CA 92868
Contact: Janyce Lawson
(714)712-7129
Email: janyce.lawson@stjoe.org
- Adult Bereavement Group
Ages 18 and older
- Adult Bereavement Group
Ages 18 and older

Placentia
Family Support Network
181 W. Orangethorpe Ave. Suite D
Placentia, CA 92870
(714)854-7762
- Parent-to-Parent Mentors
Parents grieving the loss of a child
Usually over the phone – can be in person

Hospice Care of California
377 E. Chapman Ave.
Placentia, CA 92870
Suite 280
Contact: Rose Allen
(bereavement coordinator)
(714)577-9656
(800)889-3227
Email: Ruth Dooley
rdooley@hospicecareofca.org
Website: www.hospicecareofca.org
- Adult Bereavement Group
The Wellness Community
109 West Torrance Blvd.
Placentia, CA
(310)376-3550
Email: info@wellnessandcancer.org
- Family Transition Group
For those who’s loved one has just died
from cancer

San Clemente
San Clemente Presbyterian Church
119 N. Avenida de la Estrella
San Clemente, CA 92672
Contact: Konni Martin
(949)361-1228
- Grief Support Group
Location: Fireside Room

Santa Ana
New Hope Grief Support
Calvary Chapel
1530 W. 17th St.
Santa Ana, CA 92706
Contact: Nikki Conkings
(562)421-9374
Email: info@newhopegrief.org
Website: www.newhopegrief.org
- Adult Grief Group
8-week series
Call for start date of series

Tustin
Cranbrook Senior Living
1262 Bryan Avenue
Tustin, CA 92780
Contact: Sonia Rodriguez, MSW
(714)870-3530
- Grief Support Group

Heartland Hospice
Trinity United Presbyterian Church
13922 Prospect Ave.
Tustin, CA 92705
Contact: Chris Strutt
(714)558-2366
Email: cameron_cs1@yahoo.com
- Adult Bereavement Group
Faith-based group

Tustin Senior Center
200 South “C” Street
Tustin, CA 92780
Contact: Vanessa Osborne
(714)573-3347
- Journey of Grief Support Group
Co-sponsored by St. Joseph Hospital
- Individual Grief Counseling
One-on-one counseling session
Must make an appointment

Yorba Linda
St. Martin De Porres Church
19791 Yorba Linda Blvd.
Yorba Linda, CA 92886
Contact: Mary Sennott
(714)777-2266
(Call for times)
- Grief Support Group

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by Marla J. Noel

“I didn’t want to go to a grief support group,” a young lady who lost her husband in a car accident admits to the group.
“You know, I didn’t want to go either,” this time from a dignified woman in her sixties, who had lost her husband several years ago.
The rest of the group is quiet, yet they are all nodding their heads, as if in agreement. All of the group seems glad to be part of the group. They all share, and they all get an affirmation of their feelings.

I am confused by the fear or avoidance of a grief support group, however. I hear these types of comments so frequently. Why would you not ask for help? Most groups are either free or some nominal dollar amount. So what is the reason? I started to think about all of the reasons I have heard from people to avoid this type of help;
I didn’t want other people to see me cry.
I did not want to be reminded of my feelings, because it hurt too much.
I thought I should be able to figure this out on my own.
My family will help me to get through this.
I will get over this eventually
There are probably many other reasons for not going to a grief support group. However, I look at these reasons and my heart goes out to all of the people not getting help for their grief. There is no cure, no magic solution or any words that will make the pain stop. However, there are people out there who will listen to your story, share their story, and help you through a difficult time with their support and caring. So, I will give my arguments to all of those reasons I listed for why you would not go to a grief support group.

1) It is okay for people to see you cry. They will probably be crying also. Sometimes, there is nothing better than to have a good cry with someone else who understands.
2) Suppressing your feelings can be very harmful to your health, and can keep you from going through the grief process, which is a natural process for all of us. Acknowledging your feelings, and expressing them can be helpful.
3) I thought I should be able to figure this out on my own. If we broke our leg, we would go to a doctor. Why shouldn’t we seek help when our heart is broken?
4) My family will help me to get through this. Sometimes your family is trying to get through their own grief, and can’t help you. It is not their fault. Grief is a difficult emotion, and can affect us in many different ways.
5) I will get over this eventually. Sometimes we never do, for many reasons. While I have been at Fairhaven, I have received many unusual calls. I will never forget a call from a young lady who’s mother died seven years before this phone call. She wanted to be sure that there was a marker on her mother’s grave. She had been unable to visit the cemetery for all of those years. I wanted to help her with her grief, however, she did not seem to be reaching out to help herself.

So many people minimize the impact that grief can have on our lives. It is a very powerful emotion. The closer you were to the person you’ve lost, the greater the impact. There are usually so many wonderful people who can help you. Reach out, and grab a hand. Go to a grief support group. There are so many to pick from. If one is wrong for you, try another. You may meet some nice people, as well. Ask for help. You will be glad you did.

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by Marla J. Noel

I received this from a friend, who recently had a difficult experience with a friend who had not planned for her death, although she had been ill. Please think about this list, even if you are healthy and young, and spend some time putting together your Green Box. You can update this box every few years. This is written for the business owner in mind. You can adjust to your own circumstances:

The Green Box with 25 envelopes. Here are the labels on the envelopes:

Letter to spouse
Letter to each child
Letter to the employees
Letter to my mother/father
List of most important 5 employeesco-workers
Off balance sheet deals
Organizational Chart and future organizational chart
List of personal and business people that should be contacted in the event of passing
Strategy that I am thinking about but haven’t told anybody about
List of Trusted Advisors and their roles (may or may not be currently working with company) such as attorney, accountant, etc.
Instructions not addressed in Will
Copies of POA documents
Copy of Passport, Birth Certificate
Copy of all credit cards
Copy of physical property titles
Personal stock portfolio information
Details of Life insurance—personal and company owned
Details of all other insurance
Copies of personal property valuations (Jewelry, guns, collectables, etc.)
Computer passwords (Very Important)
Personal financial Statement
Extra passport photos- Picture you would like used for funeral or marker
Medical/Dental Charts
Funeral/Burial Instructions
Mementos and to whom you’d like them given