Reading another person’s experience or feelings about the death of a loved one can sometimes help us to understand our own feelings. Ellen Bell is one of those rare individuals who is able to express herself, and her feelings, in clear and eloquent terms. When Ellen and her family lost her mother, a lovely vivacious woman, Ellen was able to write about that experience. The Waiting Room is one of her writings, which many of us can appreciate and gain comfort from.

The Waiting Room by Ellen Bell

When it begins, you are ushered into the departure line and you keep moving forward. You know you’re in a place where millions have been before you and countless others will follow. But it is your time now. Your turn in The Waiting Room.
There are new people in the room to help you in this unfamiliar place. Hospice nurses, grief counselors, pastors and funeral directors. Until recently, they were strangers but now you share unthinkable intimacies with them. They are your lifeline because they have been here before. You have not.
You are separated from the world around you. Friends and neighbors are right outside the room. You can see the concern on their faces and hear their loving words of comfort, but there is an invisible barrier. You are in The Waiting Room and they are not.
The Waiting Room is a place of intense focus and effort. There are plans to be made, care to give, final words to say. There is very little time to rest. But every once and awhile, you marvel that the rest of the world is moving along as if nothing terrible is happening, as if no one understands that life will never be the same again.
But you are not alone. Your loved ones are there with you, sharing this time in The Waiting Room. Strangely enough, this place of crisis binds you together in new ways. You hold them up, you feel their kindness.
In fact, the common denominator in The Waiting Room is kindness. It is everywhere and it reveals itself in perfect places. Strangers offer just the right assistance, a friend says just the right word, and miracles abound just when you need them. You find that when you are most exhausted and broken, the exchange of kindness is the only thing that makes you feel human and alive. It’s the only thing you recognize in this strange, altered place.
Finally, when all the preparations have been made and death is at hand, you find that your time in The Waiting Room has been well spent. You have been fortified with the strength to watch death without fear. You witness the transition with eyes wide open, your heart bursting with gratitude for the blessing of a life now ending.
When you leave you are changed forever. You find that your time with death has altered your view of life. There is more gravity, more weight. You carry a wound that will never quite heal.
But you have survived. You know now that you can endure even the most unthinkable pain, and still are grateful for the loss. The Waiting Room teaches you that the death of a loved one is the strongest way to appreciate the gifts of life and to feel the powerful love that binds us together.

The next few paragraphs are from NFDA, the National Funeral Directors’ Association. I hope this will be helpful information.

Healing A Grieving Heart

Losing a loved one is a heart-wrenching experience. The powerful, complex, and conflicting emotions that survivors struggle with often leave a person feeling alone and helpless. Understanding the basic elements of grief and learning key coping skills can help individuals heal and move forward after their loss.

There is no correct way to face the loss of a loved one. However, there are some emotions that are commonly experienced while grieving. These feelings include disbelief, shock, numbness, denial, sadness, anxiety, guilt, depression, loneliness and frustration. It can even include anger directed at the person who died, other family members, medical staff, or toward religious convictions.

Often grief manifests itself in physical symptoms such as tightness in the chest or throat, chest pains, panic attacks, dizziness or trembling, and disturbed sleep patterns. During the healing process, crying is healthy because it is an emotional and physical release.

It is also perfectly normal for a person to feel like they are going “crazy.” Everyday tasks can become difficult or demanding. Suddenly driving a car, paying bills, or shopping for groceries can feel overwhelming. A good rule of thumb during this period is not to overexert yourself. Carry a small notebook and record things that need remembering. Alert your boss and coworkers that you may not be operating at maximum efficiency. Ask friends and family for support. Above all else, be patient with yourself.

How long grief lasts is different for everyone. However, many experts agree that the grieving process is complete when you are able to think of the deceased without pain. This doesn’t imply that you won’t still miss that person, it only means that your sadness will be different, gentler, less wrenching.

There are sources to help you work through your grief. Your local National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) member funeral director is an excellent resource during this painful time. Your NFDA funeral director will listen to your concerns, explain how others have approached their grief, and give you any recommendation he or she can to help you.

Here are some additional ways to cope with the pain from a loss:

• Seek out supportive people
• Join a support group
• Take care of your health
• Find outside help when necessary

More information on healing after the loss of a loved one is available through your local NFDA member funeral home, or by visiting NFDA’s Website at www.nfda.org.

NFDA funeral homes around the country are participating in a national consumer education campaign, For A Life Worth Celebrating, in an effort to help consumers make wise and informed decisions related to funeral service.

There are many reasons why we grieve. When we experience a loss, it is natural to grieve, which is part of the healing process. At Fairhaven, we have a support group, which allows the participants to discuss some of the ways they have traveled through their journey of life after the loss of a loved one. What seems to be the most helpful for our group, is to talk with someone else who has experienced a loss and share feelings. At every meeting, the participants have a new suggestion for ways to help with the feelings they are experiencing.

To some of us, the loss of a pet can difficult to overcome. When my dog died at the age of 16 a few years ago, I could have used some advice. Even though I work in a funeral home, we do not provide services for pets. The following is a suggestion that was provided by Chuck Roberts, an old friend from Crawfordsville, Indiana, for those who have lost a pet and need a suggestion for beginning the grieving process.

• Buy Ice cream on your way home.
• An appropriate spot is chosen for the resting place.
• Everybody helps dig the hole. This part of the healing process and everybody needs to participate.
• Everybody examines the old pictures and makes copies of their favorite pictures of the loved one. A scanner/printer is useful so you don’t loose the original.
• The loved one’s favorite toys are examined. Everybody helps select toys that the loved one would want to take with them.
• Grave side. The loved one is place in the hole with their favorite toys (see #5), the copied photos are passed around and everybody tells an anecdote about the loved one. The photos are place in a seal-able container and interned with the loved one.
• A good cry is had by all, assuming you haven’t already. Hugs for everybody.
• Go eat the ice cream that you bought in #1. No diets today, everybody has some.
• It still hurts, but the healing has begun.

Thank you Chuck for your input.