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The next few paragraphs are from NFDA, the National Funeral Directors’ Association. I hope this will be helpful information.

Healing A Grieving Heart

Losing a loved one is a heart-wrenching experience. The powerful, complex, and conflicting emotions that survivors struggle with often leave a person feeling alone and helpless. Understanding the basic elements of grief and learning key coping skills can help individuals heal and move forward after their loss.

There is no correct way to face the loss of a loved one. However, there are some emotions that are commonly experienced while grieving. These feelings include disbelief, shock, numbness, denial, sadness, anxiety, guilt, depression, loneliness and frustration. It can even include anger directed at the person who died, other family members, medical staff, or toward religious convictions.

Often grief manifests itself in physical symptoms such as tightness in the chest or throat, chest pains, panic attacks, dizziness or trembling, and disturbed sleep patterns. During the healing process, crying is healthy because it is an emotional and physical release.

It is also perfectly normal for a person to feel like they are going “crazy.” Everyday tasks can become difficult or demanding. Suddenly driving a car, paying bills, or shopping for groceries can feel overwhelming. A good rule of thumb during this period is not to overexert yourself. Carry a small notebook and record things that need remembering. Alert your boss and coworkers that you may not be operating at maximum efficiency. Ask friends and family for support. Above all else, be patient with yourself.

How long grief lasts is different for everyone. However, many experts agree that the grieving process is complete when you are able to think of the deceased without pain. This doesn’t imply that you won’t still miss that person, it only means that your sadness will be different, gentler, less wrenching.

There are sources to help you work through your grief. Your local National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) member funeral director is an excellent resource during this painful time. Your NFDA funeral director will listen to your concerns, explain how others have approached their grief, and give you any recommendation he or she can to help you.

Here are some additional ways to cope with the pain from a loss:

• Seek out supportive people
• Join a support group
• Take care of your health
• Find outside help when necessary

More information on healing after the loss of a loved one is available through your local NFDA member funeral home, or by visiting NFDA’s Website at www.nfda.org.

NFDA funeral homes around the country are participating in a national consumer education campaign, For A Life Worth Celebrating, in an effort to help consumers make wise and informed decisions related to funeral service.

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There are many reasons why we grieve. When we experience a loss, it is natural to grieve, which is part of the healing process. At Fairhaven, we have a support group, which allows the participants to discuss some of the ways they have traveled through their journey of life after the loss of a loved one. What seems to be the most helpful for our group, is to talk with someone else who has experienced a loss and share feelings. At every meeting, the participants have a new suggestion for ways to help with the feelings they are experiencing.

To some of us, the loss of a pet can difficult to overcome. When my dog died at the age of 16 a few years ago, I could have used some advice. Even though I work in a funeral home, we do not provide services for pets. The following is a suggestion that was provided by Chuck Roberts, an old friend from Crawfordsville, Indiana, for those who have lost a pet and need a suggestion for beginning the grieving process.

• Buy Ice cream on your way home.
• An appropriate spot is chosen for the resting place.
• Everybody helps dig the hole. This part of the healing process and everybody needs to participate.
• Everybody examines the old pictures and makes copies of their favorite pictures of the loved one. A scanner/printer is useful so you don’t loose the original.
• The loved one’s favorite toys are examined. Everybody helps select toys that the loved one would want to take with them.
• Grave side. The loved one is place in the hole with their favorite toys (see #5), the copied photos are passed around and everybody tells an anecdote about the loved one. The photos are place in a seal-able container and interned with the loved one.
• A good cry is had by all, assuming you haven’t already. Hugs for everybody.
• Go eat the ice cream that you bought in #1. No diets today, everybody has some.
• It still hurts, but the healing has begun.

Thank you Chuck for your input.

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By Marla J. Noel

Funeral ceremonies help us begin to heal. They are the first step in the bereavement process. It is important to recognize that funerals are for the living. The funeral declares that a death has occurred. It commemorates the life that has been lived, and offers family and friends the opportunity to pay tribute to their loved one.

A well-planned funeral service captures the living essence of one who has died. We have compiled a list of suggestions that will aid you in focusing on those things that your loved one cherished throughout their life. A review of these items may help you to remember meaningful symbols that can be included to personalize the funeral service in remembrance of your loved one.

• Put together photos of your loved one. This may be done at the visitation or at home at a family gathering. We have a photo board, where those pictures may be placed for the funeral service. If you would like to put photos together permanently, a poster board may be used for this occasion.
• Play the favorite music of your loved one at the visitation, funeral service or at a family gathering.
• Have your family members write down their fondest memories or the funniest moments, or the most painful memories of your loved one. The memories may be talked about at a family gathering or documented in a memorial folder or a memorial book.
• Write a letter or a poem to your loved one to say goodbye. Place the letter in the casket to be buried or cremated, whichever you have selected.
• If your loved one had a favorite cologne, bring a bottle in for the visitation and spray the cologne on your loved one for final disposition.
• If there are young children or grandchildren, have them make farewell cards to place inside the casket.
• Put together mementos that represent a favorite sport or hobby of your loved one to be placed on a memorial table at the visitation or the service.
• Have a video made from the pictures that you have gathered and have them coordinated with your loved one’s favorite music.
• Ask several people to share their memories during the ceremony. This may be done formally by having three or four people speak in succession at the podium – or informally by asking those attending the funeral to stand up and share memories spontaneously.
• For those with a sweet tooth, hand out your loved one’s favorite candy at the visitation or the funeral service.

These are all suggestions that may help you and your family to say good-bye. We have listed some questions on the following page that should assist you in determining some meaningful additions to a funeral service.

Please indicate some of the unique qualities of your loved one.

Favorite Sports Activities or Hobby: __________________________________

Favorite Book: _________________________________________________

Favorite Music: __________________________________________________

Favorite Television Show:___________________________________________

Favorite Movie:_________________________________________________

Favorite Flower:________________________________________________

Is there a saying that your loved one frequently used? ______________________

Some people have a favorite hat, pair of shoes, jacket, etc. Is there an article of clothing that your loved one was known for wearing or being seen in?

What are your fondest and most cherished memories of your loved one?

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Fairhaven Memorial Services

Funeral Planning Guide

27001 La Paz Road, Suite 348

Mission Viejo, CA 92691 (949) 380-8911

Marla J. Noel

We recognize the significance of planning a funeral after the loss of a loved one. Someone you love has died. You may be feeling sad, angry, empty or numb. Despite these normal and natural feelings, you are now faced with planning a funeral or gathering that will be meaningful to your family. Our mission is to assist you and your family during this difficult time by providing you with some information, some ideas and some suggestions for ways to create a meaningful final tribute to your loved one.

There are three separate parts of a funeral arrangement; The collection of vital statistical information that will be used to complete the death certificate, the creation of the funeral service or gathering and the selection of a final resting place or a lasting memorialization. One of our Family Service Counselors will meet with you during the arrangement conference and guide you through the many decisions that will have to be made. The arrangements typically take two to three hours unless arrangements have been made in advance of need.

The California Department of Consumer Affairs has put together a pamphlet regarding funeral and cemetery planning. The pamphlet was designed to help you understand the funeral process so that you may make informed decisions relating to your funeral arrangements. Please ask a Family Service Counselor for your complimentary copy.

For additional assistance, please call 949-380-8911.

See next week for additional information.